THE RAMBLINGS OF ROSSTRADAMUS

Pats/Cowboys—unbeaten teams meeting! The Game of the Season! Woo-hooo! Oh, the hype! Boxing matches are often hyped, so let’s use some boxers to describe this match-up…after all, we’ve all already heard all of the boring recaps on the sports shows, something different is called for! The Cowboys are Arturo Gatti—when they face a punchless, smaller team, they throw bombs and their exciting offense wins out. But when Gatti faces a guy who can punch back and who has superior boxing skills, he throws his bombs…but is outclassed and becomes a punching bag. Either way, Gatti and the Cowboys are exciting for fans. Dallas tried to go toe-to-toe with the Patriots this past Sunday, and they were even leading in the 3rd quarter…but the Pats are Floyd Mayweather, not Joey Gamache. The Cowboys punched, but grew weary, succumbing to the relentless attack that is the stylish, Mayweather-esque Patriots offense. Mayweather comes from a variety of angles, as do the Pats—beating you down with combinations of lefts and rights in the form of Welker, Moss and Stallworth. They jabbed with short passes and runs until Dallas was settled in on defense…then BAM, the overhand right to Welker, the roundhouse to Moss, the uppercut to Watson, and the left cross to Stallworth. The fight is over. Brady wins by KO…again. It’s time to discuss, with all seriousness, the possibility of New England going unbeaten. They play the Colts in Indy in three weeks. Then they have a bye and if they go into that bye at 9-0, they have the Steelers at home in their way—I can’t see them losing to anyone else. The ’72 Dolphins are nervous for the first time in a long time.

Now THAT is what I’m talking about, New York Football Giants! Finally, they defeat a team and show a killer instinct. True, it was the pathetic Falcons, but still—when Big Blue were leading 21-10 and had to settle for a FG attempt, I’m sure I wasn’t the only Giants fan thinking, ‘24-10…hmmm. I’ll betcha Atlanta gets to within 24-17 then has the ball at some point.’ That’s how we’ve seen it happen, that’s how we’re conditioned…but no more! Rejoice in the thrashing! The Giants finally put someone away and did so in a stylish, professional manner. Phew. They needed that. Leave it to the Falcons to provide the anodyne—boy they’re terrible. I almost felt bad for Joey Harrington (almost) as I watched his WRs drop pass after pass, and how about Alge Crumpler? He mouths off about the coach then drops a pass when he’s wide open. Perhaps he was too busy yapping to worry about something as ridiculous as catching a football. Tool. At times last night, it appeared the Giants were toying with Atlanta—casually going for it on 4th and 1 from midfield at the end of the half, Manning throwing the ball up for grabs with no hesitation—I know he does it all the time to Plax, but last night it seemed almost arrogant. This team is gaining momentum on both sides of the ball, especially on defense. I know it was only Atlanta, but think about how poor they looked in the first couple of games! It takes time for a new coordinator’s system to kick in, and Steve Spagnuolo’s system appears to be getting up to full speed. There’s a pass rush, there’s coverage, there’s run-stopping (except for the occasional 90-yard run)…I like what I’ve seen lately, and I’m now looking forward to trekking out to London to watch them play. Of course, they could lose to the 49ers and ruin all of these positive feelings…but I don’t see it happening. After starting 0-2, the Giants are staring 6-2 right in the face…and 6-2 is quite handsome.

On the other hand…

It’s enough with the Jets already. What exactly has to happen for Chad Pennington to be replaced? He’s done nothing this season to impress, and yesterday he once again, failed to produce. Pennington went 11-21 for 109 yard and an INT. While Thomas Jones was running wild for the first time all season, Pennington was busy stalling the Jets’ drives. When your passing game averages 4.5 yards per play, the play calling and QB are simply atrocious. That’s it—there’s no arguing. The Eagles were ready to lose that game, but the Jets continue to play as if the objective is to get to the 20 yard line. Once there, they’re clueless. If Mangini wants to blame his insane play calling on his QB’s limitations, that’s fine…but who is responsible for having THAT QB in the game? Mangini is. Now the Jets’ season is over, to even the most faithful fans (both of them) and if Kellen Clemens isn’t starting in their next game, it’s a crime. As for the Eagles, they should have buried the Jets, but they allowed them to hang around. This is a team going nowhere, even with the electric Westbrook running as wild as Hulkamania in the 80s. Like the Jets, the problem in Philly was FG attempts instead of TDs. Play calling and QB execution are the reasons teams come away with 3 instead of 7. The jig is up in Philly. They’ll make the playoffs, but lose early. Sorry Philadelphia…but you can take comfort in the fact that your title of “City of Losing Sports Teams” is safe.

This week’s officiating pet peeve is instant replay. I’m so tired of watching lazy officials miss calls because they assume the “booth” will end up getting it right. The best example of this was Randy Moss’s “catch” in the back of the end zone yesterday. It was ruled a touchdown on the field, despite the fact that Moss A) clearly did not possess the ball in-bounds, and B) clearly failed to maintain possession of the ball when he hit the ground. Despite those facts, and two officials right at the scene, the play was ruled a TD. I don’t know what the refs were looking at, nor do I know why the commentators couldn’t see the bobble or the ball come loose once Moss hit the ground…but it’s to the point of being ridiculous. NFL sycophants will parrot the, “That’s why replay is so great—the main thing is to get it right…and replay allows the officials to do that.” Perhaps it allows them to get it right, but oftentimes they don’t, even with the replay. Antonio Chatman made a sideline catch yesterday during the Bengals’ attempted rally in Kansas City. The play was ruled incomplete, but watching the replay, it was clear that it was in fact a catch. However, after a view at the replay, the ref upheld the ruling of ‘incomplete’ and killed any chance the Bengals had at rallying. It was inexplicable. The randomness of replay makes it comical as time after time it fails to deliver on its mandate. It often does NOT get it right, much to the frustration of coaches, players, and fans. Furthermore, the assumption of, “Well when an easy call is blown, the team will challenge it and everything will turn out right through the replay,” is a laughably faulty one: Even if the call IS overturned, the victimized team has used one of its challenges when it shouldn’t have had to. There are, even if a team challenges correctly, a finite number of challenges. This handcuffs a coach later in the game when he might think, “I can’t believe I had to waste a challenge on that simple call before…now I can’t challenge this important play because I’m out of challenges.” Anyone who thinks instant replay is fine is drinking NFL Kool-Aid. Oh, yeah.

A trip around the league…

A crazy ending in Chicago may have been the death knell to the Bears’ season. It seemed neither team wanted to win: the Vikings were ahead by 14 points with 2:36 left, when Brian Griese hooked up with Muhsin Muhammad, cutting the lead to 7. Minnesota responded with a predictable run-run-run-punt series, and with 1:53 left, the Bears had the ball on their own 19, down 7. So…you’re the Vikings. You’ve been fortunate enough to have Adrian Peterson on your side. The rookie ran for TDs of 73, 67, and 35 yards en route to a 224 yard afternoon on just 20 totes. If you’re wearing purple, you also know you were stupid enough to kick to Devin Hester and watch him return it for yet another TD. So when the aforementioned Bears’ possession begins, wouldn’t it be a good idea to, I don’t know, COVER HESTER? After a Griese incompletion on 1st down, Hester, in the game as a WR, ran straight and hauled in an 81-yard TD pass, tying the game. The Bears, unwilling to accept the gift as they did two weeks ago from Green Bay, kicked off to Adrian Peterson and the Rookie of the Year returned it 58 yards. Longwell kicked well, and the Vikings won…probably because there wasn’t time for them to give it back to Chicago.

Jacksonville improved to 4-1 with a systematic beat-down of Houston. This may not seem like a big deal, but last season, the Jekyll/Hyde Jags lost both meetings with the Texans. This year, when they fell behind early, visions of last year must have been dancing through their heads…However, whines of, “Why can’t we beat these guys?” were replaced with, “OK, that’s it…now we’re going to beat these guys!” which they did, by playing Jags-style football: Run the ball, stop the run, don’t make any mistakes at the QB position. To that end, Maurice Jones-Drew continued his hot streak, running for 125 yards and 2 TDs on just 12 carries, while Fragile Fred Taylor chipped in with 90 yards on just 6 carries. Meanwhile, the Jags bottled up the Texans rushing efforts, limiting them to a measly 61 yards on the ground. Quietly effective and efficient Jags QB David Garrard went 22-34 for 2 TDs and most importantly, zero interceptions. His season total is likewise, zero interceptions. This, combined with his 6 TD tosses, has helped him to the 4th best QB rating in the league, at 104.7. We’re getting booked up on the Jags’ bandwagon. I have a feeling after next week’s match-up with the Colts, all seats will be taken.

Then we have the anit-Jags: a team near the bottom of the league in rushing defense AND rushing offense, with a QB who can’t take care of the ball. The Bengals put the postage on their season as they finalized the mailing-in process this week in Kansas City. Carson Palmer needs to realize he can’t keep turning the ball over (8 INTs) and expect to lead his team anywhere but the loss column. Two INTs and a fumble outweigh his 2 TD passes, and with their injury-riddled-but-terrible-before-all-the-injuries-so-don’t-make-excuses in the Queen City, Palmer needs to take care of the ball. He has to know if he turns it over, the defense ain’t gonna help him. Now they sit at 1-4…two games behind the Browns in last place. When exactly does Marvin Lewis start to be held accountable? For the Chiefs, Larry Johnson finally felt like running…kind of. If you’re among the best backs in the league, you need to be averaging more than 3.4 per carry after 6 games, Larry. I know the Chiefs are 3-3, and I’m impressed—I didn’t think they’d win more than 5 games all season, yet here they are…tied for first place in their division. Still…I have faith in Herm Edwards. He won’t let me down—the Chiefs will finish in last place.

What can you say about the QB match-up in Arizona? Vinny Testaverde, 43, and his Panthers took on The Cards’ Kurt Warner, 36, in a battle of the aged. Vinny had signed with Carolina less than a week ago after rejecting an offer from Arizona. He was quickly thrust into action with David Carr’s back injury keeping the original Panthers’ backup on the sidelines. Within a couple of series, there were two QBs in the game, neither of whom was on an NFL roster the previous week. Tim Rattay was forced into action as Warner hyper-extended his elbow. The rust was evident on Rattay, as he tossed three INTs and no TDs. Vinny, on the other hand, started by completing his first eight passes and finished with a 65-yard TD pass to Steve Smith, putting the Panthers ahead for good as they decked the punchless Cards, 25-10. This…was a cool story. Go Vinny! (I wonder how many Jets fans saw these highlights and thought, “I wish we had Vinny back!”)

The Packers won to go to 5-1. They did it with a less-than-stellar performance out of Brett Favre, who went 19-37-188 with 2 INTs and no TDs. The Skins were controlling this game, leading 14-10…until Santana Moss fumbled an end around which was scooped up by Charles Woodson and returned for the game-changing TD. Moss took himself out of the game a few plays later, citing “cramps” that I suspect were…well, do you remember the movie Back to School? When Jason Melon finally overcomes his nemesis, Chas, and rocks out on the diving team, Chas (played flawlessly by Billy Zabka of Cobra Kai fame) folds under pressure, claiming he had cramps and therefore couldn’t dive. Melon suggests the cramps are…well, fumble-related. And by fumble-related, I mean menstrual. Come on Santana, get in the game. If you’re so hurt that you need to take yourself out of the game, next time do it BEFORE you cost your team the game, not after.

The Ravens won and they’re now 4-2. They’re boring, have a decent, but not invincible defense, and an offense that’s embarrassing regardless of who is QB-ing. I’m tired of talking about them already. I can’t wait for the Steelers to beat them silly in a couple of weeks. As for the Rams, it’s tough to imagine how they’ll win a game this season. Bulger is going to return even though he’s still hurt…he won’t be wearing a number on his jersey, but will instead have a target. Think of the endorsement possibilities with Target! They have Cleveland and Atlanta at home—those are their only two shots. I’m serious, this team is unwatchable.

How about those Browns? 3-3 with a bullet! Remember when Charlie Frye was the QB? Remember when the fans were demanding Brady Quinn be given the starting job? Well, Derek Anderson (no relation to Thomas Anderson of the Matrix) has shut everyone up with his performance…only Brady and Romo have thrown more than Mr. Anderson’s 14 TD passes and the Browns look like a competitive team. Finally. Braylon Edwards has 7 TDs and 552 yards and is having an All-Pro season and if the Browns ever get a defense…this is a team on the rise. Perhaps this is the year of Cleveland? The Cavs made the finals, the Indians and their racist mascot are leading the ALCS, the Browns are actually exciting. You may say, “But none of those teams has WON anything.” To which I’d say, “It’s Cleveland! Baby steps.” The Dolphins, on the other hand, are in a battle for the #1 draft pick. Will THEY win a game this year? Buffalo and the Jets at home, that’s where their wins will come from…at least they’ll get a good draft pick, then squander it on Ted Ginn, Jr. Oh, wait, they already did that? Right, because a kick return guy is what that team needed to turn it all around. Pffft.

Tennessee lost to surprising Tampa Bay, 13-10. The Bucs and Jeff Garcia are a nice story this season as they sit at 4-2, tied with the Vinny-led Panthers for 1st place in the NFC South. They’ve done it despite having a below average offense…but an offense which doesn’t turn the ball over or allow sacks. Taking care of the ball and your QB, combined with a top-5 defense, wins games. Are you listening Cincinnati? Titans fans will claim they lost because Vince Young came out of the game in the third quarter and was unable to rescue the team in the 4th quarter due to his quad injury. I say, enough of this Vince Young Myth! What has this guy done in the NFL? He’s got 6 INTs and only 3 TDs this season…his career rating is 67.0 and he has 19 INTs to 15 TDs. This isn’t the NCAA. You’re not playing Rice anymore—you can’t just throw the ball up and know that your 5-star college teammates are going to out-talent defenders from SMU. Sure, he can run, but look what happened Sunday—he ran, and he got hurt. Two of the most important attributes of a quarterback are taking care of the ball and durability…Why aren’t pundits talking about guys who HAVE these attributes, like David Garrard (6-0 TD/INT) or Jeff Garcia (5/0)? Sorry—they’re not on the cover of some video game, all they do is play their position well. Please—do not believe the hype!

San Diego beat Oakland, but the score doesn’t tell the story of how close this game was. Oakland was trailing 14-7, driving for the tying score right before halftime. They had a 2nd and goal with 10 seconds left when Daunte Culpepper fumbled and the Chargers recovered to preserve their lead at the break. The Raiders came out in the 2nd half, got the ball, and went three and out. The chargers responded with one of Tomlinson’s four TDs and that was essentially that. The lost opportunity at the end of the half demoralized the Raiders’ offense just long enough to allow San Diego to get the hammer back, but do not be fooled. The Chargers are NOT back—they have a lot of question marks, starting with the QB position. Don’t think they’re going to win 10 in a row now because they’re not. And while you’re thinking, don’t think that the Raiders are crap any longer because this is a decent team and when you were god-awful a season ago, being decent is a worthy improvement.

The Saints finally won a game, looking like the Saints of 06. What happened? Why did they snap out of it? Perhaps it’s because they were playing a Seattle team that’s softer than a baby’s bottom wrapped in a terrycloth robe. Seattle embarrasses itself in Pittsburgh, getting shutout 21-0, then returns home…and re-soils the bed? What a disappointment this team is. Shaun Alexander once again fails to deliver, rushing for 35 yards on 14 carries. He deserved the jeers that cascaded from the Cascades, as did the rest of this team. But they’ll make the playoffs because their division is head-shaking bad. I’d love to play them in the first round. Now I’m rooting for the Saints—I want a team that was 0-4 to make the playoffs. They have Atlanta and San Francisco in their next two…why couldn’t they be 3-4? Come on N’awlins!